Ugh.

It's times like these I wish life had a guidebook or something.

I really need to get myself back to the doctor's to finish the diagnosis we started ... 4-6? years ago.

I guess I'm just so used to being sick now it's become normal, and I don't think of going to the doctor.

You know you've been single for too long when...

your mother decides to take matters into her own hands and start setting you up with young guys she knows: the student teacher she is supervising, a friend's son, etc....

Not to quote the Bible or anything, but...

Ask, and you shall receive.



Life doesn't hand you opportunities, and when it seems like you are being given opportunities right and left- opportunities that just scream "here, I'm yours for the taking"... they never work out. When it feels like an opportunity was stolen from you by some goody-goody with a 4.0, impressive references and plenty of job experience, you have to step back and realize that it was not stolen, as it was never really yours to begin with. An opportunity isn't something that you are worthy of unless you have put in the man hours. The hours digging around for information, contacting random people at the risk of looking like a nut-job with no sense of how the process is supposed to work, the seemingly pointless jobs and networking, these are the things required to truly earn and deserve an opportunity.

And if this opportunity falls through, or is stolen away from me by another goody-goody with a 4.0, impressive references and plenty of job experience... Well, then my theory will be shot to hell, and it will likely mean I am destined to a life of mediocrity.


So really, is it me, or has the term "opportunity" acquired the elusive definition of a stroke of luck? To give someone an opportunity is to give them a chance... and if you're anything like me, you don't give someone a chance until they've done something to earn it. I think I'm done using the word "opportunity" for things that are not necessarily going to happen. I do not have an opportunity for something until the opportunity has actually been given to me.....


And at this point I realize that there's highly likely that none of this makes any sense, so I'm going to stop. Hey, it's finals week, and I can't even be sure of how many hours of sleep I've gotten since last Thursday, since none of it seems to be at night or at one time... so give me a break.

It seems like when you want something too much, it doesn't ever happen the way you'd really like it to. Likewise, your worst nightmares often transpire.

My thoughts are so scrambled these days. Forming sentences is a mind puzzle, and finding my way back to my apartment at the end of the day has been getting harder and harder.

I'm too young for my brain to be shutting down. I want my memory back, please.

It was kind of funny for a while... now it's kind of not.

It's sad that writing this post has taken 30 minutes, but maybe







I forgot what I was saying.
Crap.


Uhm.








Whatever, I'm done.

POV

Every time I get an idea for a creative writing, I can never decide which point of view to write in. My writing style is to start with a broad idea and see where it takes me... so how do I know if it will be more effective to write in first person or third?

I suppose first person comes more naturally.

Hm.

Every year around this time it always feels the same.

Retreating inside myself the longer we shut ourselves in away from the bitter cold wind.

I don't do well with walls. Or ceilings.

Especially these walls, these ceilings, and everything they represent to me.

I like winter. I love snow. I love when snowflakes get caught in my eyelashes or land on my nose.

I dislike this wind that brings tears to my eyes. I dislike the days when the sky doesn't look like the sky.

To be honest right now, the view out my window makes the buildings and trees look as if they are set against their own backdrop. Another wall. And it matches MY walls, the ones I hate so much.

Waking up with Lupus.

Lupus symptoms are flaring up again.
Woke up today and my joints were swollen and hot and achy. I couldn't even manage to wrap my fingers around my toothbrush or hairbrush. My head and neck were aching.. So I took some drugs and skipped my first class (an 8am).

Set an alarm for 9 so I could get ready for the rest of the day. My joints are still achy but at least I can move them now. Still have a slight headache and some swollen lymph nodes, and I may possibly throw up at any moment. I have a class at 10 that I really don't want to skip, though. I'm going to take the bus even though it would normally be faster to walk.

I look like what I imagine death's mistress to look like.

Oh well. We'll see how class goes while I'm tripped up on a plethora of medications.
It's probably not even worth going, but, I am.

I took a two month hiatus, but not much has changed.

After a record blizzard, my university cancelled classes for the first time since I was born. It's been a week now and I still help at least two people push their cars out of the parking lot each day.

Finals week is here, and since most of my professors are lazy and don't want to grade the tests themselves, I have all week to take 3 online finals. Which means I get my final test in procrastination.

I've barely begun to study, but I figure I'll get around to it eventually. Like usual. Until I am served a lesson from procrastination, I will continue to put in minimal effort to get average results. I'm okay with being average when it comes to school. No point in killing myself or going slightly insane just to do better than the rest in something that will have little to no impact on my life. I don't need to know organic chemistry and I don't care how hard you try to convince me otherwise.

H1N1

Fuck you, Swine Flu.

So sick. :(

My life is starting to feel like riddle with no rhyme. Just words put together that form a puzzle which makes no sense and aren't even that beautiful to read.

Fuck you insomnia and your wasteful use of time.

I'm done pretending anything could have ever come from this.

I'm done chasing you. I'd rather be alone forever than on this roller coaster we've been going through.

I wish I were stronger, more patient and understanding. But what's the point when there's so much going on and you're missing in action?

Reliability is a quality you just don't possess, and it's the one I need the most.

What to do?

When you realize your dreams are never going to become a reality?
When you've strayed too far for too long, chasing someone else's idea of happiness.

Now those strands of hope you once had are dusty, torn, and tattered.

Today I realized things in my life are not in the right order. The things that I am pursuing as a career I'm beginning to think I would rather have as just something on the side... an interest, but not a life. And my current hobbies? Those things that are just supposed to fill my time up and take my mind off of school for a while... those are really the things I wish I had the courage to pursue as a career.

I'm too much of a realist to believe that there is any way to make up for the time that's been lost...

Not to mention too much of a coward.

Phone Calls From Home.

They never bring good news anymore.

You look so defeated lying there in your new twin size bed.
With a single pillow underneath your single head.
I guess you decided that that old queen holds more space than you would need.
Now it's in the alley behind your apartment with a sign that says it's free.

And I hope you have more luck with this than me.

You used to think that someone would come along.
And lay beside you in a space that they belong.
But the other side of the mattress and box springs stayed like new.
What's the point of holding onto what never gets used?

Other than a sick desire for self-abuse.

And I try not to worry, but you've got me terrified.
It's like your some kind of hurry to say goodbye, say goodbye, say goodbye.

You look so defeated lying there in your new twin size bed.
You look so defeated lying there in your new twin size bed.

I want to hate him but I can't.

Pumpkin White Mocha flavored coffees now served at the coffee shop across the street..

First day of fall is less than one week away.

I can't wait.

when those who have to think or suffer darkly take refuge...

Can't sleep. (surprise, suprise)

Too many possibilities, decisions, things to get done....things I want to do.

Some things that will probably never be.

I'm in the middle of my own "chicken or the egg" debate. Something that could be a symptom of another thing , but could also potentially cause it. The best way to stop it would be to know which came first, but how to figure that out?

I hate nights like these.

If only I didn't have class in less 5 hours and 45 minutes, I would take the sleeping pills I was prescribed but never completed. I hate those pills, but I would do it to escape the night.

Remembering Games, Daisy Chains and Laughs

I feel useless. People I love are injured and sick, and I can do nothing.

How can I save a helpless child from a sick mother when I am not even supposed to know she's sick to begin with?