What to do?

When you realize your dreams are never going to become a reality?
When you've strayed too far for too long, chasing someone else's idea of happiness.

Now those strands of hope you once had are dusty, torn, and tattered.

Today I realized things in my life are not in the right order. The things that I am pursuing as a career I'm beginning to think I would rather have as just something on the side... an interest, but not a life. And my current hobbies? Those things that are just supposed to fill my time up and take my mind off of school for a while... those are really the things I wish I had the courage to pursue as a career.

I'm too much of a realist to believe that there is any way to make up for the time that's been lost...

Not to mention too much of a coward.

Phone Calls From Home.

They never bring good news anymore.

You look so defeated lying there in your new twin size bed.
With a single pillow underneath your single head.
I guess you decided that that old queen holds more space than you would need.
Now it's in the alley behind your apartment with a sign that says it's free.

And I hope you have more luck with this than me.

You used to think that someone would come along.
And lay beside you in a space that they belong.
But the other side of the mattress and box springs stayed like new.
What's the point of holding onto what never gets used?

Other than a sick desire for self-abuse.

And I try not to worry, but you've got me terrified.
It's like your some kind of hurry to say goodbye, say goodbye, say goodbye.

You look so defeated lying there in your new twin size bed.
You look so defeated lying there in your new twin size bed.

I want to hate him but I can't.

Pumpkin White Mocha flavored coffees now served at the coffee shop across the street..

First day of fall is less than one week away.

I can't wait.

when those who have to think or suffer darkly take refuge...

Can't sleep. (surprise, suprise)

Too many possibilities, decisions, things to get done....things I want to do.

Some things that will probably never be.

I'm in the middle of my own "chicken or the egg" debate. Something that could be a symptom of another thing , but could also potentially cause it. The best way to stop it would be to know which came first, but how to figure that out?

I hate nights like these.

If only I didn't have class in less 5 hours and 45 minutes, I would take the sleeping pills I was prescribed but never completed. I hate those pills, but I would do it to escape the night.

Remembering Games, Daisy Chains and Laughs

I feel useless. People I love are injured and sick, and I can do nothing.

How can I save a helpless child from a sick mother when I am not even supposed to know she's sick to begin with?

Some tiny shred of sanity tells me that my priorities are not properly ordered.

Two hours of my day spent in class, and 10.5 doing ballroom-related stuff.

Hm.

I've gotten enough sleep this weekend to have equaled the amount I usually average over an entire week.

So why am I still tired?

A Lesson Learned

Though I'm not quite sure I should tell my future children:

There are instances where it is actually o.k. to find happiness at others' expense.