I took a two month hiatus, but not much has changed.

After a record blizzard, my university cancelled classes for the first time since I was born. It's been a week now and I still help at least two people push their cars out of the parking lot each day.

Finals week is here, and since most of my professors are lazy and don't want to grade the tests themselves, I have all week to take 3 online finals. Which means I get my final test in procrastination.

I've barely begun to study, but I figure I'll get around to it eventually. Like usual. Until I am served a lesson from procrastination, I will continue to put in minimal effort to get average results. I'm okay with being average when it comes to school. No point in killing myself or going slightly insane just to do better than the rest in something that will have little to no impact on my life. I don't need to know organic chemistry and I don't care how hard you try to convince me otherwise.

H1N1

Fuck you, Swine Flu.

So sick. :(

My life is starting to feel like riddle with no rhyme. Just words put together that form a puzzle which makes no sense and aren't even that beautiful to read.

Fuck you insomnia and your wasteful use of time.

I'm done pretending anything could have ever come from this.

I'm done chasing you. I'd rather be alone forever than on this roller coaster we've been going through.

I wish I were stronger, more patient and understanding. But what's the point when there's so much going on and you're missing in action?

Reliability is a quality you just don't possess, and it's the one I need the most.

What to do?

When you realize your dreams are never going to become a reality?
When you've strayed too far for too long, chasing someone else's idea of happiness.

Now those strands of hope you once had are dusty, torn, and tattered.

Today I realized things in my life are not in the right order. The things that I am pursuing as a career I'm beginning to think I would rather have as just something on the side... an interest, but not a life. And my current hobbies? Those things that are just supposed to fill my time up and take my mind off of school for a while... those are really the things I wish I had the courage to pursue as a career.

I'm too much of a realist to believe that there is any way to make up for the time that's been lost...

Not to mention too much of a coward.

Phone Calls From Home.

They never bring good news anymore.

You look so defeated lying there in your new twin size bed.
With a single pillow underneath your single head.
I guess you decided that that old queen holds more space than you would need.
Now it's in the alley behind your apartment with a sign that says it's free.

And I hope you have more luck with this than me.

You used to think that someone would come along.
And lay beside you in a space that they belong.
But the other side of the mattress and box springs stayed like new.
What's the point of holding onto what never gets used?

Other than a sick desire for self-abuse.

And I try not to worry, but you've got me terrified.
It's like your some kind of hurry to say goodbye, say goodbye, say goodbye.

You look so defeated lying there in your new twin size bed.
You look so defeated lying there in your new twin size bed.

I want to hate him but I can't.

Pumpkin White Mocha flavored coffees now served at the coffee shop across the street..

First day of fall is less than one week away.

I can't wait.

when those who have to think or suffer darkly take refuge...

Can't sleep. (surprise, suprise)

Too many possibilities, decisions, things to get done....things I want to do.

Some things that will probably never be.

I'm in the middle of my own "chicken or the egg" debate. Something that could be a symptom of another thing , but could also potentially cause it. The best way to stop it would be to know which came first, but how to figure that out?

I hate nights like these.

If only I didn't have class in less 5 hours and 45 minutes, I would take the sleeping pills I was prescribed but never completed. I hate those pills, but I would do it to escape the night.

Remembering Games, Daisy Chains and Laughs

I feel useless. People I love are injured and sick, and I can do nothing.

How can I save a helpless child from a sick mother when I am not even supposed to know she's sick to begin with?

Some tiny shred of sanity tells me that my priorities are not properly ordered.

Two hours of my day spent in class, and 10.5 doing ballroom-related stuff.

Hm.

I've gotten enough sleep this weekend to have equaled the amount I usually average over an entire week.

So why am I still tired?

A Lesson Learned

Though I'm not quite sure I should tell my future children:

There are instances where it is actually o.k. to find happiness at others' expense.

Breathe

All you touch and all you see
Is all your life will ever be.

6 AM

Is such a strange hour to me.

It feels so secretive.

I hate when I wake up moments before my alarm goes off, and I lie awake waiting for the Red Hot Chili Peppers to break the silence. My alarm never goes off when I am waiting for it to do so... it seems to find enjoyment in waiting until I have reached the brink between sleep and consciousness before jolting me out of my dream world and back into reality.

I guess I just need to drag my ass out of bed if I happen to be awake before my alarm.

Advisory to all:

Running 4 miles after a substantial break from distance running might feel good. Running 6.5 miles the very next morning at 7 am, might not.

People Need to Get the *#%$ Over Themselves.

Seriously. Grow. The. Fuck. Up.

Saying you won't come to your sister-in-law's wedding unless you are in the wedding party (i.e., bridesmaid, etc) is just downright childish. Stop being so selfish and grow a figurative pair.

Also, when approaching a construction zone in which traffic is reduced to one lane, is it REALLY going to make a difference if you get one car ahead before getting into the lane? Everyone is going to have to go <45, it's not like you can speed when there is traffic backed up all the way over the damn hill. So really, trying to squeeze in (or cut people off) at the last minute because you were too much of a dumbass to get over in the last several hundred yards (after the sign warned you to) just makes you look like a fucking retarded cunt.

Yes, I adopted the mouth of a sailor today.

/End rant.

Things I saw in Arkansas

21 dead armadillos

Lots of rivers, mountains, and canoes

4 straw hats

3 shirtless drivers

2 car accidents

1 Lady scraping plaque off her few remaining teeth

A man dragging a 6 foot cross down the highway.

And a confederate flag.

Green eyes, bright smile, beautiful laugh and warm bear hugs--

I miss you.

I am just a stray, free to good home.

I stand in the middle of some stupid street with some stupid name
I see all the people talking on their cell phones and they all look the same
I find myself judging them three at a time
Then I start to shake
For I am as ugly and as useless as I am fake
My Skin is a costume
it does not feel like mine
Fear and coercion
trickling down my spine
I am dying slowly
but I am just fine

A very poorly written french story.

Il était une fois quand le mariage n'était pas d'amour, mais une alliance arrangé.

Henri avait un mariage comme ça. Il était l'héritier d'un roi puissant. Le roi avait une maladie, et quand la reine avait appris que le roi va mourir, elle a arrangé le mariage d'Henri et de Marie. Marie était la fille d'un autre ligne puissant, mais elle n'était pas jolie, et Henri n'a pu pas tombé amoureux de Marie.
Il avait un autre amour: Isabelle - une très belle fille qui était une paysanne pauvre. Les deux avaient un amour secrete. Quand Henri et Isabelle sont ensemble, il pâlit et son coeur tressaille. L'amour était belle et parfait, mais quand la reine a appris des affaires, elle était fachée. Elle avait peur que l'amour d'Henri et Isabelle [ruinera] la mariage avec Marie. Un jour, elle empoisonne la vin de la belle fille, mais au cause d'une faute, Henri a reçu le poison, et il est mort.
Isabelle, sans Henri, perd la couleur, et elle est morte aussi.

Don't judge. I wrote it one day in class while discussing french literature. It's a horrible story, with horrible french. So. yeah.