Waking up with Lupus.

Lupus symptoms are flaring up again.
Woke up today and my joints were swollen and hot and achy. I couldn't even manage to wrap my fingers around my toothbrush or hairbrush. My head and neck were aching.. So I took some drugs and skipped my first class (an 8am).

Set an alarm for 9 so I could get ready for the rest of the day. My joints are still achy but at least I can move them now. Still have a slight headache and some swollen lymph nodes, and I may possibly throw up at any moment. I have a class at 10 that I really don't want to skip, though. I'm going to take the bus even though it would normally be faster to walk.

I look like what I imagine death's mistress to look like.

Oh well. We'll see how class goes while I'm tripped up on a plethora of medications.
It's probably not even worth going, but, I am.

I took a two month hiatus, but not much has changed.

After a record blizzard, my university cancelled classes for the first time since I was born. It's been a week now and I still help at least two people push their cars out of the parking lot each day.

Finals week is here, and since most of my professors are lazy and don't want to grade the tests themselves, I have all week to take 3 online finals. Which means I get my final test in procrastination.

I've barely begun to study, but I figure I'll get around to it eventually. Like usual. Until I am served a lesson from procrastination, I will continue to put in minimal effort to get average results. I'm okay with being average when it comes to school. No point in killing myself or going slightly insane just to do better than the rest in something that will have little to no impact on my life. I don't need to know organic chemistry and I don't care how hard you try to convince me otherwise.

H1N1

Fuck you, Swine Flu.

So sick. :(

My life is starting to feel like riddle with no rhyme. Just words put together that form a puzzle which makes no sense and aren't even that beautiful to read.

Fuck you insomnia and your wasteful use of time.

I'm done pretending anything could have ever come from this.

I'm done chasing you. I'd rather be alone forever than on this roller coaster we've been going through.

I wish I were stronger, more patient and understanding. But what's the point when there's so much going on and you're missing in action?

Reliability is a quality you just don't possess, and it's the one I need the most.

What to do?

When you realize your dreams are never going to become a reality?
When you've strayed too far for too long, chasing someone else's idea of happiness.

Now those strands of hope you once had are dusty, torn, and tattered.

Today I realized things in my life are not in the right order. The things that I am pursuing as a career I'm beginning to think I would rather have as just something on the side... an interest, but not a life. And my current hobbies? Those things that are just supposed to fill my time up and take my mind off of school for a while... those are really the things I wish I had the courage to pursue as a career.

I'm too much of a realist to believe that there is any way to make up for the time that's been lost...

Not to mention too much of a coward.

Phone Calls From Home.

They never bring good news anymore.